when its you and not the world (paris series 5, rudeness is a response)

rudeness is a response

Many people I've talked to about my sabbatical have oft asked about the rudeness of French people.

They were not rude to me. But if you lack basic mannerisms and don't follow simple French cultural standards, then you're fucking around to find out.

My hypothesis is that this rudeness that people speak of is simply a difference in culture and the French's response to someone overstepping their bounds, not an inherent characteristic of French people.

First off, France goes to great lengths to protect it's culture (just look at bready set go), so naturally, they're going to want to speak ... French. It's their home language, you know. If you come to visit and automatically assume you're going to speak English everywhere, you'll probably be ok 😂 but some French folks won't be the happiest bunch and that might affect your experience.

It can be misleading because Paris is a melting pot and a frequently visited destination, so the locals have had plenty of experience getting their English up to conversational proficiency. Again, that isn't automatic consent to only speak English everywhere you go. Switching to English requires effort on the host's part and having some reciprocity would be nice.

Secondly, basic mannerisms are important in France (they should be everywhere, really). In the States, it's not the end of the world if you don't say hello or goodbye (most people don't give a shit, honestly, but I think lately it's been turning around). In France, it's a faux pas if you ignore these:

• "bonjour" upon entering
• "bonjour" upon greeting, if in the morning and afternoon
• "bon soir" upon greeting, if in the evening
• "merci" and "merci beaucoup" when interacting
• "à bientôt" and "au revoir" when leaving
• "pardon" for sorry and bumps into folks
• "ça va?" for casual what's ups
• and especially for us, we threw in "bonjour, est ce que vous acceptez les chiens?" (do you accept dogs, which almost everyone did 🐕) or a "oui, il est gentil" (yeah [our dog] is nice)
• acceptable levels of volume when speaking

For the lazy, the most basic solution is to "bonjour", then "pardon, est ce que vous parlez anglais?, and your "merci" plus "au revoir". That to me is the bare minimum effort tax you need to pay. So, if you're sitting on the plane RIGHT NOW on the way to France and didn't prepare at all, learn these.

I found that after our initial interaction, if they continued speaking to me in French, then I knew I had put in a good faith effort and I had successfully tricked them into thinking I was a French speaker (awesome). It then quickly backfired because they continued in French ("bonjour! [🍒 🍇 fruit smoothie sounding things 🍉 🍊] à manger?") and I had this look on my face 😬, which usually led to smiles and an "ah, anglais?" I asked to stay in French sometimes to practice, but I barely kept up with their pronunciation. Don't take their switching to English as an insult. It's only to better serve you.

pretending that I didn't know what I really wanted to buy time to "French" in my head - there literally was one item on the menu - double cheez boig 🍔

If anything, I think avoiding rudeness just calls for a level of emotional self awareness. We talked specifically about rudeness here but it works for avoiding assholerly, not pissing off strangers, and buffing out awkward shenanigans too. One or two people who think you're absolute shite is probably just lack of chemistry, but when everyone around you is [insert derogatory noun] to you, it might be time to look internally a bit.

Do your greetings, put in the effort, and reciprocate. It's a simple thing, really. It forced me to connect (and reconnect) with strangers and friends. I used to be the headphones kind of guy, you know, I did the greetings and was polite, but there was always this sense that I wanted to tear away and put my headphones back in (I'm sure others felt that too). Nowadays, the earplugs are less common, and I'm more engaged. I try my best to remember names, details, and interactions big or small because there's a world to everyone.

Try it. I promise only good things will happen. You might be shy like me about approaching folks, speaking français, and trying to gesture my way to the nearest toilet, but the French never made me feel shitty about myself. That's anything but rude. 😌